I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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