Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
