yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
