Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
