the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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