I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
