A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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