I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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