I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize