Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
