dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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