Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
