she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
