So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
