Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Who died my cat blue again?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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