My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
