I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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