Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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