rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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