OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
