And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
