Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize