my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
