Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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