you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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