On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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