I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
