I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
