My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
