anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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