Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
