"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
