You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
