You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
