You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
