This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
