Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
