Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Is it because I queefed?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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