just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
