you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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