Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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