cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
