I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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