i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
