K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
two words: eviction party
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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