thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
