Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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