The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
