I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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