I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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