Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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