Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just blew my weed a kiss
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
