After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
