Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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