I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize