Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
