Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
