My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize