Got a toothbrush?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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