if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
