I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
