I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
