ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Even my vagina gasped.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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