I'm lost and stupid without you.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
