Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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