is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize